ADDENDUM 2: Ray hooked it up with a hilarious Q&A from Topless Robot about Transformers: RoTF. I read it and realized I completely forgot some of the plot points – yes, the movie is THAT forgettable.

ADDENDUM: I’ve mentioned my distaste for the “human” transformer that appears at the end of the first act of the film. It was brought up to me that this was in fact a Pretender transformer. I totally forgot about these! Though these came out in 1988, it already felt so far removed from the earlier generations of Transformers I loved. So yeah, I guess the inclusion of Pretenders in this film wasn’t such a stretch after all, and even a pretty cool nod to Transformers lore.

I’ll preface by saying that I knew full well what I was getting into. I’ve read the reviews and have watched enough of Michael Bay’s on-screen vomit to know to keep my expectations low. I was pretty entertained when I watched the first one, but realized soon after that the movie was pretty much a strobelite honey. So I figured that maybe I could put the beer goggles on again for the second installment. I mean, Michael Bay couldn’t further ruin iconic figures from my childhood anymore, could he? Umm…

SPOILER ALERT

TRT (total running time) – The summer movie season allows you to shut your brain off for 1.5 – 2 hrs in an air-conditioned room. And you know, I’m generally willing to do that…if it’s under 2 hours. But expecting me to ingest mindless garbage for 2.5 hrs is abusing the privilege. If you’re going to ask an audience to commit to this movie, please give them something more than fighting robots. At least give me a character to care about – let me watch Brad Pitt age backwards or a bunch of hobbits traipse around Middle Earth. Don’t get me wrong, robot fighting kicks so much arse, but there is absolutely no good reason for this movie to last this long.

Characters – I did not care about any of the characters in this movie – human or robot. When major events happen during movies, the audience is supposed to care because they see the characters care. Not in this movie. What happens after Optimus Prime dies? I don’t remember. Ask me if I remember what happens when Optimus Prime died in the animated version.

Bad Screenwriting – Of course, I should know better not to expect a good script, especially since it was written by Alex Kurtzman and Roberto Orci, the same pair who penned the first one. But they also wrote Star Trek, which wasn’t perfect, but was a great summer flick. There was a good mix of action, cheese, and character development. There was an opportunity to step up their game, but they airballed a free throw – and one of the Adonal Foyle variety, no less. I think the vast difference in quality between the two scripts is a testament to the main storytellers – the directors. I’d like to think that directors fight to tell the story they want to tell. It’s not uncommon for scripts to be tweaked according to the director’s interpretation of the script. I’d be willing to guess that J.J. Abrams cares more about story and character than Michael Bay does.

These screenwriters also tend to write a lot of exposition into their scripts. It’s obvious with the first Transformers and even holds true with Star Trek. You can hide exposition easier with a Vulcan mind-meld. Not the case with T:ROTF. EVERYONE had expository dialogue. There was sooooo much to explain, especially the history of the Fallen, the sun-destroying energon farmer, and the matrix of leadership. Was it me or was the matrix the same thing as the sacred scroll thingy in Kung-Fu Panda? Not to say that I can do better, but this is LAZY writing.

Other Examples of Lazy Screenwriting:

• Bumblebee can talk at the end of Transformers, but he can’t talk in the beginning of T:ROTF. Please commit to the decisions you make. Having Michaela explain why he can’t talk is super lazy.
• Sam’s parents randomly appearing in Egypt was stupid. They’re there to add extra “umph” to the “you have to let him go” scene, which wasn’t set up very well to begin with.
• A teleportation gag to get the characters to Egypt. Apparently, this is Jumper too.
• They made a HUMAN transformer. WTF is this, Terminator?! So this character was supposed to keep tabs on Sam, but clearly, she’s there to add some sort of conflict between Sam and Michaela. Because the audience doesn’t really care about this conflict in the beginning, this plot point was just laughable.

Look, I really wanted to find something redeemable about this movie. There is certainly mind-blowing CGI, but I expected that. I wanted to say, “I kept my expectations low, so I was pleasantly surprised that I enjoyed it…despite Roger Ebert’s review” There were way too many flaws to overlook, unfortunately. Well, maybe I should watch Terminator: Salvation now?

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