from the Wikipedia entry:

Selling out” refers to the compromising of one’s integrity, morality and principles in exchange for money, success or other personal gain. It especially refers to the attempt to increase social appeal or acceptability through this compromising. The person who acts in this way is referred to as a “sell out.

My friend Chris from NY – with whom I worked on a few Jon Fordham projects – is in town to 1st AC a low budget indie film. He crashed at my pad for a few nights and we had a little bit of time to catch up – see what’s been up with each other and how the rest of the gang back doing the film hustle are doing. The conversation shifted focus to what I’ve been doing the past year and what things will look like from here on out.

Now I’ve been very open on this forum about this topic, but I’ve only really discussed it with a couple of my film friends from the “old world.” There was a certain disappointment in his voice when I mentioned that it’s likely I’d be leaving the fellowship of freelance film professionals. He has known many creative folks who made the choice to leave the hustle for a lifestyle that would provid a bit more financial stability. Chris mentioned many of these guys had the intention of getting back in the game once things were handled. And to no one’s surprise, many haven’t come back. While he understood that people need to reshuffle priorities, I think he fears that people who make this decision are closing the book.

Chris is a good guy. He’s a great technician and has aspirations – like many people in the film industry – to write and direct. He realizes that he deals with crappy rates and uninspiring AC jobs are just the means to the eventual end of producing his own projects. But unlike me, Chris could never be a desk monkey. Because I’ve done it in the past, I don’t mind it. In most cases, I actually like it! I know I can excel in the corporate hustle which would not only provide me with the relative financial stability which has eluded me over the past 3 years, but can give me the means to support my passions (snowboarding and movies). He couldn’t see that I’m doing the same thing as he is – our methods of obtaining a paycheck just differ.

I assured him that there’s still a hunger and thirst for me produce my own projects. But I don’t need to be working in the biz to do it. Chris contends that being on the sidelines (working on sets day in and day out) keeps the fires burning for pursing his own projects. I feel that. But I know that though my motivation wanes here and there, that desire to tell stories and make movies will always be there. Besides, I have friends that won’t ever let me stop creating – friends like Chris, Jon, Albert, Chuck, Dave, Emory and Tess.

With the hope of avoiding the stigma of New Year’s resolutions, I’m stealing a phrase from John August (a screenwriter whose blog I follow) and calling them areas of interest.

But before I get into that, I do want to reflect a bit on 2009 and how humbling it has been. I’ve sprinkled in some thoughts throughout the year about how things haven’t turned out the way I’ve hoped. Some of that was bad timing, but I think most of it was just me feeling sorry for myself. I tried to avoid getting all emo about it so if anything sounded particularly whiny…eh, whatever. This is a blog after all. But instead of dwelling on the lowlights, here are the highlights:

• Noodle – Easily the best thing about 2009. Having never owned dog, I didn’t feel the most comfortable with being a parent. And now almost four months in, I can’t imagine coming home without Noodle rushing to the door and greeting me with a vigorously wagging tail. Tess and I always say she’s the best dog ever. But who cares that she’s the only one we’ve ever had?
• Our New Home – I think I’ve mentioned this in the past (if not on this blog, then to some of my friends in person) but I’m happy that our apartment in LA is actually OUR apartment. In NY, I was pretty much just crashing at Tess’ place. It was nice to furnish and decorate our spot this past year.
• The Bay – Being in LA gives us the chance to come home at a fraction of the cost of traveling to and from NYC. I feel like part of the gang again. I actually get hear about big news (both good and bad) firsthand instead of via Facebook or infrequent visits from friends. And even now that boyfriend-girlfriends are turning into husbands-wives and with family additions on the way, the bonds of friendship are as strong as ever. It’s just the method of hanging out that’s changed.
• PS3 – I get that this is waaaaay materialistic and superficial, but I don’t care. Playing video games is super fun. I haven’t owned my own console since Sega Dreamcast back in 1999, so I’m about due for one. [NOTE: I have had several different consoles since then in the houses in which I lived, but they weren't really mine] I will say it’s crazy how mind-blowing video games are these days.

Lastly, 2009 wouldn’t have happened without my awesome girlfiend, Tess. Without her, these highlights wouldn’t have been as high and the low lights would be much lower. You know, come to think of it, everything above wouldn’t have happened if Tess wasn’t around.

Ok, now that the obligatory look-back-at-the-blessings-of-the-past-year schpeel is out of the way, now the areas of interest:

“Shut up and work“
I had complained about my job situation when I should’ve been content to have one. This year, I’ll keep my cards closer and play my hand smarter.

This also applies to my own creative endeavors. I have definitely been cautious to avoid “LA talk” – you know, proclaiming the projects you’re working on to A) let everyone around you know you are an ambitous person who dreams of doing more than just part-time SEO-related work and/or B) convincing yourself that you’ve got the skill, talent and drive to pursue your dream.

Collaboration
I think this will be the key to having a productive creative year. Since I’m in LA and working part-time at an internet company, it’s no surprise that I’m around lots of creative types just waiting for a break. It’s both comforting to know that there are many, many, MANY others in my position and it’s these folks I may end up building creative relationships with going forward.

Staying Healthy
This category covers exercise and eating habits. Since the arrival of Noodle and a PS3, I’ve definitely been VERY lax with my workout regimen. I’d like to get back to somewhere between 9-12 miles per week with some weight training. I always have a hard time watching what I eat and I doubt I really want to do a whole lot to change that. However, I would like to watch how much I eat. Maybe this will be the year I can stay consistent with portion control.

I’m at a point in my life when staying fit for the sake of appearance is just stupid. Apparently high cholesterol runs in my family and with my dad’s triple bypass heart surgery a few years ago, staying fit means I stay out of the hospital.

Which of course leads to…

Health Insurance
It’s a stretch, but here’s to hoping.

Some minor things I should also mention:
- less TV, well…less BAD TV anyway. I figure if I find myself watching pointless reality shows or reruns, my time is probably better spent leveling up on CoD: MW2, playing some FIFA 10 (which I don’t have yet), finishing Batman: Arkham Asylum, starting Infamous, watching a Blu-ray disc OR streaming movies/TV shows via Netflix. I want to take FULL advantage of the gloriousness of the PS3
-  more posts, specifically more thorough movie and TV reviews.
- [added 01/02/2010] unfollow blogs. Over the last year, I kind of went crazy with Google Reader adding more and more blogs to the list. They range from SF Giants, SF 49ers, GS Warriors, film-related news, screenwriting, and friends’ blogs. So much of my day is spent making sure all the new items are at least glanced at, if not read. Much of this information is pointless. This year, I’ll only follow SF Giants, SF 49ers, screenwriting and friends’ blogs.

HAPPY TWENTY-TEN EVERYONE!

[UPDATE: I ran 3 miles today and prepared a normal-sized portion of an unhealthy breakfast (leftover prime rib, hash browns and an over-easy egg). I suppose that's not a bad way to start the year.]

For the first time since 2006, I was able to spend Thanksgiving back in the Bay. It was everything I remembered – great turnout for the annual Turkey Bowl (I think Eric said it was the 14th one we’ve done), awesome dinner that comprised of deep fried turkey, prime rib, and sweet potato pie, and of course, quality time with family and friends.

This one was especially nice because my cousin from my mom’s side, Sandy was in town to join us for the Delfino Thanksgiving. My little younger brother Francis and a few cousins are now in high school so they are now much closer in age group than they ever used to be. We gathered some family and friends for some post-dinner bowling at Cloverleaf. I remember going bowling one New Year’s Eve with my family. At that time, I think my cousin Annika was like probably around 5 or 6, so it’s a bit scary to think how many years have passed since then. It was a bit surreal – I saw the same employees I saw when we all used to go bowling every Monday (or Tuesday) night back during ‘97-’00…one was a little bit wider than I remembered and the other had a little less hair.

While there’s always the comfort of home, everything’s so different now. It seems that my time living away from the Bay happened to be when lives changed – mine and some of my very close friends. Between May ‘07 and November ‘09, there have been engagements and weddings and kids and mortgages. These are all life-altering milestones. You’re offically grown up when you experience any one of these events. And for someone like me who kind of experienced young adulthood all over again when I moved to NY, these milestones – though they’ve crossed my mind – were never really attainable.

But this year, you can add a couple more big things: divorce and losing a home. Coming from a divorced home shouldn’t be a big deal, but I’ve always felt now that couples are getting married later in their twenties, there’s less of a chance that the couple is making the wrong decision. At least that’s what I thought about the people I’ve known to get married within the past few years. Then I found out a couple I know is getting a divorce after just a little over a year of marriage. I can’t even fathom what that experience would be like.

I suppose the danger of losing a home in this economy isn’t too far-fetched, but it’s a bit disconcerting when it’s affecting my friends. Imagine the exhilaration of being responsible and stable enough to purchase a home only to deal with the anxiety of losing it. You hear/read stories of people who have experienced the exact same story, but it never quite hits as hard until someone you know is facing it too. Being just one-degree away is horrifying.

See, these are real-world problems. I’ve complained about my own personal problems – the inability to find something better than my current placeholder job and the frustration toward my creative futility. Yeah, these aren’t really problems. The things I’m talking about can easily be resolved with some patience and focus. My problems don’t have imminent negative consequences like the two I’ve mentioned.

Hearing these stories have given me some perspective. And without intending to sound insensitive, a part of me is relieved I am not experiencing some of the misfortune my friends are. I’m very thankful for everything I have, even though sometimes I don’t think it’s very much.

I turned 32 years old yesterday. I’m not married and don’t have a mortgage. I’m up to my neck in bills and can’t even save money. In fact, I barely even have a real job. I want all of these things, but I realize it will take time. I’ve been blessed with a loving family, fun and loyal friends, and the best girlfriend and dog in the world.

Life is great.

Yesterday marked a year since Tess and I moved out of New York. I’ve expressed how much I loved my time in New York in this venue many times in the past, but now a year later, on the opposite side of the country, I can appreciate the role it’s played in my personal and professional growth.

“These streets will make you feel brand new. Big lights will inspire you”

Empire State of Mind – Jay-Z feat. Alicia Keys

Boy did they ever. New York was a fountain of youth. It fun and exciting to paint on a blank slate. I forced myself to get lost and just wander about the town. I started working in an entirely new industry at the age of 29 with no contacts or experience. It was a fountain of youth. And at the end of it all, I’ve got credits, stories, and most importantly, friends.

Is the grass really greener?

Working on movies can be pretty damn fun, especially as a grip. Yeah, you have to lift heavy stuff through doorways, narrow hallways, and up multiple flights of stairs, but we do get to do some pretty cool stuff. It’s like playing with Tinker-Toys or Legos except in the middle of New York streets (but usually in cramped-ass apartment buildings). But let’s face it, gripping is a young man’s game. Sure, I’ve met some old dogs – very skilled technicians who have decades of experience. These are the guys who can command that ever-elusive full-rate (600/10hrs). As a 31-year old griptrician with only 3 years of experience, I could easily be competing against a 21-year old griptrician with the same experience for a job that paid a fraction of that rate. Do the math and it’s clear time isn’t on my side. And while I’m not in the best shape of my life, I can usually hump just as many sandbags, mombo combos, and Fisher 10 dollies as cats younger than me. But I’m just one set accident away from getting a career-threatening knee or back injury. In fact, I’m surprised I stayed pretty injury-free save for a burn on my forearm from a stupid inkie (the smallest tungsten head on our truck for that show)! 31 year old bodies don’t heal as fast as 21-year old bodies.

And besides, I don’t want to be a grip for the rest of my life. I want to write stuff and direct it.

But passion is overrated.

I’ve had some discussions with some really good friends about what it means to pursue your passion. It’s rewarding to do things you are passionate about (in my case, writing and directing), but Emory asked a profound question: “do you have to do it as a careeer?”

I don’t think I do. Let’s get serious here. Becoming a Hollywood director seems less and less likely the longer I stay here in LA.* And even becoming a regular director – one who does small commercials and industrials – can’t be that fun. I’ve worked commercials and industrials where the director is really just a puppet for the client. The director directs the actors, but always looks over his shoulder to make sure the client is happy with it. Where’s the fun in that? I do understand that there are projects that pay bills and projects that satiate the creative hunger. So really, what’s wrong with having a day job to pay bills and then doing the passion projects on the side?

Nothing. And guess what I was doing right before I moved to NY. I re-read some of my old posts – the ones from the Bindlestiff and Revival Arts productions I was involved in. I remembered how much fun and fulfilling it was. Imagine what I may be able to accomplish now the knowledge and experience I’ve gained in the last three years. Of course the whole job-that-pays-the-bills part needs to be sorted out.

Smells like a cop-out, right? “He just couldn’t hack it in LA and was too lazy to put in the work to achieve his goals.”

It’s a fair argument – maybe I can’t. If I was 6 years younger, I think I’d stick it out and see where things would take me. But in the past 3 years, there’s been probably close to 10 weddings and about 7 kids within my circle of friends. There really isn’t any pressure on me to hit those milestones just yet, but continuing the pursuit towards a filmmaking career will likely push that all back. And I’m not sure I want to do that.

Earning a living making films would probably make me happy, but it’s not the only thing that would**. There are other things in my life that will always be more important than a career – family (current and future) and friends. Being able to make films – whether for love or money – is a bonus. And I think I’m at peace with that now.

The conclusions I’ve drawn have everything to do with how the cards fell when I first moved here. I do wonder what it would’ve been like if circumstances were different. What if the handful of contacts I had coming into town called me for a job which led to another job which led to more jobs? Perhaps I would’ve gotten lucky and somehow made it onto a studio lot as a grip. Maybe I got a different day job – one that recognized my skills and experience and challenged me.

But things didn’t happen this way. It’s humbling and even embarrassing to be slumming it at an entry-level position. But it’s just as humbling and embarrassing being a 29 year old who left a cush job only to work for free on a student film as an Art PA. Such is life, after all.

* I get the sense that you do things/go places in this town with the hope of meeting a person who can introduce you to someone who can actually make a decision that can impact your career in the movie business. I’ve grown up to be too bitter and jaded to have the patience to deal with that kind of BS. In this biz, luck plays as big a role as talent in defining someone’s success. But I don’t have the luxury of waiting for that lucky hand.

** On the list of things that would make me happy is a PS3, a Vestax VCI-300 with Serato Itch (all the turntable loyalists are groaning, but really – who has the space these days?), and a vacation back to NYC.

We’re coming to the time of the year when it’s tough to be strapped for cash. Halloween festivities, then Thanksgiving, then Christmas and New Years. And of course, snowboarding season is also around the corner. All this compounded equals a dwindling bank account. And since my current income does not allow for any extra spending on regular months, this particular fall and winter look particularly daunting.

Knowing this, Halloween was pretty easy. Tess and I went as Lucy and Schroeder from Peanuts and made our own version of this iconic photo.

The costume was pretty wallet-friendly – just spent on the wig and some tubes of tempera paint for trusty ol’ Target. Throw in another $15 for a 12-pack to donate to the party and that was that.

But it was the week that led up to Halloween that proved to be tough. On Tuesday, I woke up with a tickle in my throat. By the early afternoon, the aches kicked in. Damn. It. I know what this feels like – the flu. It was all downhill from there. The next 3.5 days became the worst bout against the flu I’ve ever been in. The symptoms seemed to be running around 125%-140% of the normal flu symptoms I usually get. Now I’m pretty proud of my immune system – I’m susceptible to illness here and there but I usually bounce back pretty quick. This time, a particular symptom would hit me hard one day and it felt like it would subside by the next. However, another symptom would appear…and with a vengeance. I remember coughing so hard that it actually really hurt my chest AND throat.

Now while my immune system worked overtime, it meant I was home…not working even regular time…and thus not meeting maximum 34 hours I can work during the week…which I really need to ensure my financial obligations are met. This is a week before I’m set to go to Virginia for a long weekend to celebrate my grandfather’s 86th birthday with many of the Lim clan. Losing out on 20 hours during a pay period HURTS.

But somehow things always seem to work out. On Saturday, I got a call from Jason Inouye, a DP I met through Patricio Ginelsa to work on some promo interviews for the upcoming film Precious. Interview setups are easy peasy so even though I wasn’t fully recovered from (what I’ve now deduced as) swine flu, I knew I would have the energy to work this job. It was a decent rate for a half a day of work so it’s tough to say no. And considering I had already missed three days of work, I couldn’t really afford to turn it down in the first place.

So this weekend is VA. Next weekend, I’m headed to the Bay for a day so I can go pick up the bed and box spring that Eric has graciously stored for me in his guest bedroom. Soon after, the Thanksgiving break and then Christmas after that – which means MORE unpaid days off.

But like that last-minute phone call, something always seems to work out.